Saturday, May 28, 2011

Big Surprise

A short-short ...

I stood waiting for the hotel elevator, staring out into the beautiful Dallas morning sky through the tall glass window - one of those deals where it's wall to wall, ceiling to floor, the kind that make you feel dizzy if you stand too close.

The bell rang, and I skipped into the elevator car, nodding sheepishly toward the two men who were busily punching the buttons for the heretofore unseen person for whom the car had stopped.  They both stood there, beautifully, in their British Airways flight attendant uniforms, both well-poised, in bodies slender enough to be twenty but probably well-preserved through starvation and bowflex to be in their early thirties.  Of course, they were paying this early middle-something businessman no mind as the car started to descend.

"So," the brunette one said, continuing a conversation I hadn't been privy to earlier, "after he practically nagged me to death, I decided to go out with him ..."
"Really! The first one, or the one from ..." the blonde started to say.
"Yes, him."
"Brilliant!" Blondie nodded.  "How did it go?"
"Well, after dancing and all that, we went back to his place and ...," he said, coughing as he looked back at me.  I pretended to ignore them in kind.
"Took a drink from the fountain?" Blondie snarked. "Drove down Curvy Lane?"
The brunette let out a high-pitched single-syllabled "Ha!" while the blonde just gave a low giggle.
"How was it?"
"Well, when he pulled out his ... uhm ... triple XXL things, I knew right away I was going to be in for a big surprise."
"Oh, my!  Do tell!"
"The big guns; practically inflatables."
 "Seriously?  The kind you can put an ..." Blondie turned his head just enough to see if I was listening, and satisfied that I was terminally deaf continued.  "... arm into?"
The brunette nodded.
"Go on!"
"Well, he wanted me to kiss him, you know, while he ... uhm ..."
"Revved the engines?  Lit the furnace?"
They both laughed at themselves, satisfied that Old Man was oblivious.
"Yes, and then he unbuttoned his ... uhm ... trousers ... and ..."
"I'm dying here!  I'm sure it was enorm ..." Blondie shreiked.
"He asked me to pass him one of those ... things ..."
"Go on ..."
"I asked him, 'What exactly should I do with it?"
Blondie seemed confused.
"Shall I wrap it around a few times?"
Blondie's shoulders went up, hand flying up to mouth.
"Roll up the slack? Tie it off at the end?  Hem around the edges?" the brunette continued.
Blondie was cackling as I tried my best to not move a single facial muscle.  My insides were threatening to betray me.
"I guess you were a bit disappointed," Blondie stated as the car stopped, doors opening.
"A wee bit, yes."

Copyright © 2011.  Anthony Ashley.  All Rights Reserved.

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